Sick of Me.

I am so sick of my limited thinking. I am tired of living an ordinary existence. I want to live with reckless abandonment to Jesus. Wild living. Thinking outside the box. Doing nothing without knowing God is on my side.

I don't know how to do this though. I want it so bad, but I don't have the first clue how to find it. No, what I should say is I don't know how to find it and keep it. That's where I run into trouble. Keeping that heart of worship and love, adoration, and abondonment.

I know it's not found in the mundaneness of life. Nothing happens that hasn't at some point happened. I can't create new colors. Or shapes. So, how do I step outside of the routine and live with that wild living?

I attempted to do this last year at this time. I called it my "Via Con Me" experience. It's Italian for "Come With Me". There was really no purpose in the title. It happens to be a song that I was listening to a lot at the time. Check it out, it's sung by Louis Prima. Anyways, I created a list of things that I wanted to see and do and be. I didn't limit my thinking at all. I thought that in the process I would find more out about myself and more about Jesus. I didn't. I think it was because I was still limiting my thinking. I am so frustrated by my skin. I am constantly tortured by the thought that I want to be someone else. To have someone else's life. And I set out to reinvent myself once again and end up so tired and grumpy because I give up quickly and realize I will never be an avid skier like Picabo Street, or to be able to tell a story like JK Rowling, or speak to a crowd like my mentor Beth Moore, make a meal like Bobby Flay, or sing a song like a Bethany Dillion. I seek greatness, but find that I am anything but. I am painfully normal. But is greatness found anywhere without Christ? No. A stalwart no.

Sure, many have found success without Him. Look at the creator of Facebook. Or Bill Gates. Or Tony Romo. Ultimately though it is success that will go nowhere. Will they take their riches with them when they die? Or the fame? No.

However, I have discovered so much more than all of that. If I just let Christ be Christ and live in me and through me, I don't have to be anything in particular or do anything in a special way for Him to love me and to place value on me. He already has. And, it's in the wild living that I will be freed from the need to be the best or do the most unique thing ever possible. I am freed to be me and live this life out one day at a time and step by step become more like Him in every way. I am not supposed to comapre and contrast my gifts to anothers. I am not supposed to be jealous of someone's abilities that I lack. It's there friends where I will find myself and you will find yourself. Because I will be lost in all He has to offer. I will become less, He more. And it's my hope that in a year from now I can say that I am not the same woman I am today, but a more Christ-like one.


For that in itself would be an achievement.