How to do it.
How not to do it.
What you should look out for.
What kind of man you should stay away from.
How to reel a man in.
How to repulse a man.
And while most of my dating experience has happened more recently, say in the last year or so, I spent most of my formative years reading a plethora books on the subject at hand. Needless to say, I have since created my own dating philosophy that is happily balanced somewher
e between He's Just Not that Into You and How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. Many of my girlfriends have asked me for advice, which I find ironic because my successful dating relationships come to the sum total of zero; however, I have found that I have learned enough to save many from the hidden woes of courtship. I, by no means, consider myself an expert on this issue. If you add together the many how to books, the first hand experiences, and my innate desire to know all things related to the subject (I largely blame my Interpersonal Communications background for this), my fabulous sense of wit, and a dash of my sarcastic attitude, you get a fun blog read for any serial dater. So without further ado, I present for your approaval my TOP TEN DATING TIPS.**DISCLAIMER: I am in no way a man hater. I am not a feminist either. I am not even assuming that what I have to say amounts to crap; however, if you would like to enjoy reading through some of my personal experiences, then read on friend! I publish this blog with the full knowledge that it is strictly my opinion; however, you got to give credit where credit is due. The truth hurts. And, sometimes we all need to hear the truth.**
Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
1) If He Isn't Calling You, He's Not Interested
This one was a hard one for me to swallow too. I, like most girls, tend to want to help a guy pursue me. To give him a little nudge. I always thought "Hey, I should show him I am interested, so that he knows it's okay to call". Sure... in a woman's world. In a man's world this equates to, "She's way too interested in me. Doesn't she have a life? I feel like she is smothering me". Now, don't get all self-righteous on me. I am not saying that it's wrong to call a man, text him, or show him some gentle interest (a smile to know it's safe to approach you, for example); however, when it comes to pursuing a relationship....forgive me, but I think that the man wants to be in charge. As he should. They say men are hunters. They like to have a challenge. They want to see if they can win your heart. If you easily give it to them, they are more than likely going to bolt because you've taken the fun out of the game. So, put the phone down. I know it's a hard pill to swallow ladies, but don't you want to be with a man who wants to be with you? It's so much richer to know that when you are talking to lover boy, he was the one to message you. You don't have to sit and wonder whether or not he wants to talk to you because if he called you, then you know he does. If you know how to get a hold of him, he knows how to get a hold of you! Food for thought.
2) Text Messaging: The New Way A Man Comes Calling
Ok, what's the deal gentleman? Is it just easier to text now? I am hard pressed to find a man who doesn't think that text messaging in this day and age is a "good conversation". Don't get me wrong, a little flirtatious texting gets me through my day as well, but to replace that with some good, old conversation is just plain wrong! With all the new gizmos and technology, I know it's hard not to do the simple thing and text, IM, or email. But, MAN UP! Don't be a coward. Believe me when I say, if you step it up and actually call her, you are a step a head of the curve. You are going to do something that no other man is doing and will therefore have the upper hand. I'm just saying is all.
3) Not All Men Are Created Equal
I realize that while most of what I am writing about is a sweeping generaliztion of the opposite sex, I do understand that not every man is the same. I have dated enough men to find that just because Joe likes to talk for hours on the phone, Sam might be OK with just a two minute conversation. Matt might like to spend the evenings at home playing cards, while Ben wants to go out to the local sports bar for a drink. Ladies, be careful of comparisions. They hurt more than they help. Just because one man is vocal with showing his interest level, doesn't mean that the next guy will be the same way. You can convince yourself that a certain man can't be interested if he hasn't shown the appropriate level of interest because "my last boyfriend always told me how he felt". Each man is his own person. Let him show you who he is.
4) There Are Always More Fish in the Sea
Don't sweat it if it doesn't work out like you "planned". If he can't see what you are worth and match it, then he isn't worth your time. Move on to someone who wants to be with you, who will say the things you want to hear, who will love you for who you are, who will give everything to be the one to call you his woman. This reminds me of a fun, little story...
I one time had a man liken our relationship to fishing. Ok, I can buy that. I have heard the old adage "there are always more fish in the sea", but this new analogy was more than I could swallow. As an avid fisher, he starts by telling me that sometimes he would catch a fish and he would observe it and then decide if it was a keeper or not. If it's not a keeper, you throw it back into the water. If it is a keeper, then you....well, you obviously keep it. He was trying to decide whether or not I was a keeper.
I can see that. In essence that is what dating is. You try someone out, see if they fit in your life, and decide to keep them or throw them back into the dating pool. That's not the part I had an issue with. The part that got me was when he said "I wait for the fish to come to me". Wait, what? UMM, how about NO. Haha. I think he forgot the part about how he has to throw out the bait. I don't know, it just reeked of arrogance, like he waits for women to come to him and then he can choose if they are a keeper or not. Like he had no part in it.
On the one hand, I can admire that sense of cockeyness. It seems like he realizes he is worth someone finding, but on the other hand, I think he also forgot that pride comes before the fall.
5). Go to Where the Men Are
If you are hungry, you go out to eat.
If you need socks, you buy some.
If you need gas, you get gas.
This might seem self explanatory, but so many women miss the boat because they believe that they are doing all they can to find a man. After some careful questioning, I come to find that these wonderfully, beautiful women are so misguided. Friends, if you think you can stay at home on a Friday night and the man of your dreams will come knocking on your door, then keep on sitting. I have found in my own experiences that the only men who have ever come to my door was the Hunan Delight delivery guy and the maintence man. You got to get out. Go to a bookstore. A cafe. A sporting event. Do something you enjoy. What's the worse that could happen? It's really two-fold. You will have plans on a Friday night and you increase your chance of meeting someone. This leads to bullet point number six.
6) Don't Judge a Book By it's Cover (or Don't-Look-At-a-Man-and-Decide-Without-Any-Investigating-That-Said-Man-is-Not-For-You-Because-He-Could-Be-a-Gem-In-Disguise)
When going out on the town, say to a Christian concert or to some event where I would be meeting new people, I would enter the room and put all the men I saw into two categories.
Category A: Dateable
Category B: Not Dateable
Basically, I would decide from first sight if I could see myself with certain men. This snap judgement came way before being introduced to the guy!! I would already have an idea about whether I could date him or not. And some guys didn't even have a chance. Ouch. I have come to find that if you erase those stigmas, stereotypes, and immediate judgements, you may find yourself a man who is a lot more interesting than you first thought. A man who has a lot to say and can add so much to your life, and even if this man does not end up as a potential date, you have found yourself a friend. It's really a no-brainer and really your loss in the end if you decide to write someone off because he is "too metrosexual" for you or "his glasses make him look too nerdy" or "he isn't dressed to your liking".
Get over yourself and invest in him. Find out what he likes to do in his spare time, and I am telling you this will do a lot for both of your confidences.
7) Dating for Fun vs. Dating for Marriage
I used to look at dating as a means to an end. And, ultimately it is just that. If you see yourself marrying some day, then it's safe to say that one of the reasons you should date is to see if you are compatible enough for the long haul. However, this philosphy screwed me royally. Personally, I put so much pressure on myself and on my date to try to figure out whether the crap I could marry him or not that the date was no longer fun and it got real serious real fast and more than likely ended up scaring him off. Please understand I am not not advocating this philosophy. I just know that for me, it was hard to relax and relate to him even as a friend. With that said if you find yourself dating someone and you know that you could never see yourself with him, then yes it's time to say "I think we should just be friends" But, going back to my last point, sometimes you may write off a guy because you assume he isn't marriage material and he quite possibly could be if you put some time into building the relationship.
When dating for fun, you take off much of the added pressure and you can find yourself with people you wouldn't normally have considered before because they "weren't your type". I have dated a few guys that I would have just written off at first meeting them because they didn't fit the mold I had in my mind. I ended up really enjoying the time we shared and have created some lasting friendships.
Some have fizzled and you couldn't pay me to talk to them ever again as well.
Just be careful with this as well. God tells us to guard our hearts for a reason, and girls, I know how easy it is to get emotionally sucked up in a guy. If it is hard for you to detach or keep your emotions under wraps, then maybe you shouldn't date for fun. I still maintain that you should meet people and hang out as friends at the very least, but save your heart for the people who you deem worthy of it.
8) Guard Your Carnal Treasure
Hehe. I took this line from the movie Win a Date With Tad Hamilton. It's a cute one. But, I digress. The truth of the matter is God sets up boundaries for us for a reason! Believe me, I am preaching to the choir here. No man is worth giving yourself over to for any reason. Your body belongs to God. He created it. He loves it. It's painful to give any piece of yourself emotionally to a man to only come and find that he is not all that interested and picks up and leaves. It's even more painful if you give yourself over to a man physically as well. There is a reason God says to wait. I don't believe you should ever find yourself in a situation where you have given yourself to man in any way to then have to sit and wonder if he has feelings for you or not. This should not be the case. It's not fair to you. You deserve to be loved, to be known in all ways...but in a serious, committed relationship where the man has had to work for your affection, earn you attention, and showed that he will care for you, provide for you, love and protect your heart.
I know, I have heard all this crap too, but I guess I had to experience it in order to know it to be true.
9) You Will Never Be Able to Change a Man
Period. You cannot change a man. His stubborness and His manhood will not let you. Don't even try. Instead, if you can't see yourself with this man as is, then move on. You can pray for change of course...it's God's job to change him...but you, yourself will never be able to change him.
10) Your Feminity is Powerful: And With Great Power Comes Great Responsibilty
Men have gone to war over women. Look at Helen of Troy. Men have gone to great lengths to win the admiration of women. It's centuries old and I believe it to be completely Biblical. Men want to pursue. Again, they are hunters. There is nothing like Woman that can spur a man to do great things. You have the power to move men to do amazing feats...or you have the power to seduce a man to do terrible things. Choose to be a woman who gives life. Realize that one glance of your eyes is enough to send him soaring. There is something about us that is so mysterious to a man. Be all woman. Learn this and you will go far.
My sincere thanks and credit to authors Dr. Henry Cloud, Michelle Hammond McKinney, and Greg Behrendt for their advice.
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