Walmart: The Twilight Zone

So, I am at Walmart today and had quite an experience. I have promised many that going for groceries is always an adventure with me...maybe now you will believe me.

First things first. Evelyn got upset with me because we were in the cereal aisle and it's her new favorite food and word. She began asking for cereal and I politely said "no" and then offered her the snack I packed for her.

She threw it on the ground. Strike one for Jenny.

She begins screaming for cereal and I mean screaming for cereal.

I got so many looks from people, like me, who stare at the mother who can't control their child while out in public. So, I became that "mother" I have always hated and gave her her pacifier so I could shop in peace. This was after attempting to explain in a rational way why she could not have the cereal (didn't work, ps.).

Then after a bit, I needed to pee. Sorry, I mean "relieve myself". We head to the bathrooms in the back and I enter into a strange situation. A man, a Walmart employee, is standing there looking at himself in the mirror from all angels. At first, I am thinking that he is supposed to be in the woman's bathroom cleaning. Then I realized that I never really looked at the signs, so I could very easily have walked into the wrong bathroom. After asking aloud, "Am I in the wrong bathroom?", I got no response from the rather large man preening himself in the mirror (is that what you guys do in there??). I exit and find to my chagrin that yes, in fact, I had stumbled into the wrong bathroom.

Strike Two.


I continue shopping, making it a point to avoid the Man in the Mirror, when an employee walks up next to me and says, "I'm getting ready to have one of those". Thinking she means the Fiber One bars I am holding, I was gearing up to say something about how much I loved them when I turn and see her pointing at Evelyn.

I'm sorry, did you just call my little friend "one of those"????

I tuck the witty retort I was about to throw her way into my back pocket and sweetly asked her when she was due and if it was her first.

"Yah. It's my first and my BF's fourth."

"Score. Looks like you found yourself a keeper!!"

(Am I still on the Eastern Shore people??)

I was getting ready to check out. I see a light on at a register and there is no cashier. I hesitate, thinking I should keep walking, but prehaps there is a cashier, she's just run off to the commode or something. In my brief moment of hesitation, I hear a voice calling from two aisle's over, "I'll be right there!". I glance over to see a fake blonde peering over the candy and tabloid display. She is obviously stocking the shelves. I reply with, "Ok". Meanwhile, I am busy loading the conveyer belt with my fun grocery finds. I really am not minding that Cashier Girl is taking her time because I have my hands full.

A short gentleman (I do mean short, he was shorter than myself and I am 5 feet, 6 inches tall) in a nice suit, scurries into the line and without pause says, "Well, where is she? The cashier?".

Here is the conversation that soon follows, I wish I could tell you that I am making this up. Believe me:

By the way, Suitman was speaking loud enough for Cashier Girl to overhear (at a decibal slightly over a dull roar):

Me: "Well, she's over there" pointing to where she is
Suitman: "Well, doesn't she know she has customers?"
Me: "Yes. She says she's coming."
Suitman: "She's not coming fast enough" looks at his watch
Me: "Yes. She is--"

But what she is, Suitman will never know because he cuts me off with his next line.

Suitman: "I suppose stocking the shelves is more important than checking out customers."
Me: "Yes."
Suitman:"Does she not care?"
Me: "I don't--"
Suitman:"Her manager will probably care." begins drumming his finger on the conveyer belt
Me: "I think so."

Cashier girl, running up to the register: "Sorry, I had to stock the shelves. I am sorry."

As she is ringing up my purchases, here's what happens:

-She continues to say "I'm sorry"-no lie-about 10 more times
-She accidentally throws my very expensive soy hot dogs at me, they land on my feet ("Sorry, since they were frozen they just slipped out of my hand.")
-And then to cap off my experience...she sneezes no less than three times directly onto my groceries (makes me throw up in my mouth when I think about it)


Strike three.

I happen to not be in a big hurry, so this whole ordeal was slightly more humorous to me than say... if I had to pee, was starving, had already been waiting in line for an hour, Evelyn was currently screaming, or I was just in a bad mood. Apparently, it bothered Suitman. I can understand why...he's in a suit, so he must behave like a complete buttwipe. By the way, he was purchasing socks and coffee creamer.

Opps, did I say too much?

I mean, clearly this girl needs to take a few courses in Customer Relations or Walmart Checkout 101. Customers come first in retail. Always. So, I can totally understand Suitman's beef with Cashier Girl's lack of respect, but that doesn't give you a right to be rude either.

So, that's my experience in a nutshell. No, this is me in a nutshell. How 'bout them apples??






Answers to the Death Cab or Dork Quiz: 1) Death Cab 2) Dork 3) Death Cab 4) Dork, 5) could be a toss-up, it was thrown in to trick you, but I think I tricked myself...but, I will go with Death Cab.